My elliptical trainer is more than a piece of machinery to me. It’s my safe haven. My quiet place. My reminder that I am worth the effort. It has been on the receiving end of my meltdown tears countless times. I love and appreciate it like an old friend. Sometimes I am in the pitch black with only the light of my phone to catch my eye. Other times I love to open the shutters and let in the beautiful light of day.
Tonight my elliptical kept me company as I wept. My children already asleep and my husband watching TV. I was busy. Keeping my baby’s memory close to my heart. Imprinting this new memory that came to me last night in a dream.
I dreamed of my stillborn baby boy. He was four years old and wearing a red-orange t-shirt and jeans that were dusty on the knees. He had brown, mussed up hair and deep blue eyes. He smelled like a little boy with a touch of sunshine. He was standing between my guardian angel and his guardian angel. He grabbed onto her leg as though he was holding on to a tree and appeared a little shy.
He wanted to tell me something. He walked to me, I knelt down. He wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. He said, “Mommy, I love you. It’s all going to be ok.” I could feel the tears stream silently down my cheeks as I said, “I know honey. I love you so much.”
He walked back to his place next to the angels. They stood in a circle around me. Each one letting me know that I can do this thing called Life. That I could find the strength I need. That they would lift me, support me, and love me. And that no matter how long it has been since his birth and death, he will always be part of me. Maybe the better part of me.
Oh, and I’m totally going to go buy my boys the first red-orange T-shirt I find.