High expectations and a little fork throwing

I don’t know if it’s because of the losses I have had in recent years, that I have such a need for special moments to be really special. One could say, “high expectations”. Yeah, well maybe I do have high expectations. And maybe I learned to have them because there was no choice but to make ‘lemonade out of lemons’. 

But now, I am wondering if I need to adjust these expectations and realize that what is, is enough?

I can picture in my mind a beautiful, touching moment where the whole family is sitting at the dinner table waiting patiently at the restaurant to have cake and ice cream for Zen baby’s 2nd birthday…but in reality what is happening is far from special.  

It went down like this: two year old wants down from the high chair, screeching until he is released. The 6 year old Spirited Warrior is encouraging Zen to crawl under the table and pick food up off the floor and eat it. Gross! Then as Zen decides he is wanting to get back up he picks up a utensil or two and hucks it at the nearest person.  Next, the dear old people next to us are glaring at us and the loud sighs coming from me are not enough of a clue to them that we are TRYING! Trying to keep a semblance of order. Trying to encourage good behavior and discourage the bad. Meanwhile, the food comes and the kids will not touch it, despite warning them that there will be no dessert if they do not eat. They still do not eat. Yet, there were complaints about being hungry from Warrior on the way to the restaurant.  I GIVE UP!

In these crapass precious moments I wonder if this is normal? I feel so discouraged and disheartened. It was not the dream birthday dinner I pictured. Then I wonder, am I over sensitive to it all? Do I just need something to be easy and perfect because so much of my childbearing life hasn’t been? What does that prove anyway? Is that my way to get an apology from God for having it rough at times? Or do I need meds and a better sense of humor to laugh off the disasters dinners we have together?

Either way, I think I’ve figured out that IT IS WHAT IT IS. It wasn’t the picture opp kind of night, I don’t feel relaxed or content, but those little monsters are mine. That counts for something. I think.


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