Within Normal Limits…

It’s been one of those weeks…the kind where you don’t know your center.  You can’t remember the details of anything in particular, but you remember that for sure there should be someway that is easier, calmer, better.

At work we have a term called Within Normal Limits. WNL. It may not be perfect or exactly what we want to see, but it’s still within normal limits. So that’s where I’m at right now. WNL.

The screeching from the witching hour sends shivers up my spine.

I can’t remember a day where the whole family was off together and enjoyed each other’s company.

The laundry is mocking me.

The kitchen floor is only clean for a fraction of a second during the day.

I can’t remember the last time I drank a cup of hot coffee. I like hot coffee. It appears to be too much to ask for these days. Including at work, when I poured my hot coffee into a disposable cup and slammed it down while standing in the OR corridor prior to attending a C-section. This is not relaxing or calming. Honestly.

And then, in the midst of it all…I am reminded of the LOVE that I have and that I am.

I am tired, frustrated, irritable, and weepy. I find it a struggle to put one foot in front of the other with a smile. 

But a bad day or a bad week doesn’t constitute a bad life.

I am filled with hope that we’ll all get back on track.

That I’ll find my center again.

That the full moon will pass.

That the tears will dry.

That I will fill up on the screeches and screams instead of cringe.

I know my lap won’t always be so full and bumpy.

I am deeply understanding that this is the beauty of life after loss.

My inability to see through the current fog doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it’s mystery and question its presence.

I get it. It’s real life. It’s loud, fast, maddening, joyful, and sweet.

All within normal limits. And it’s easier to see it when I look in their eyes.