Disappointment and Digging Deep

This week was really kind of a rough one.

It was the end of Christmas vacation for my big guy and back to first grade he went.

Although that wasn’t so difficult, it was the signal of more change.

The winter has fully set in.

There is ice in the hummingbird feeder.

The leaves are wet and dark.

The grass is muddy.

My sweet Reiki kitty is sleeping all day long.

My mood is not great.

On my work days, I get up and drive to the hospital before daylight breaks and leave long after the sun is down.

The 12 hour shifts are so long. So, so long.

At work I am seeing people who are frustrating and drug seeking.

I am fighting to find some compassion.

I want to yell at them that they need to JUST STOP.

Then, news that a sweet girl lost her rainbow baby this week just about did me in.

I found myself being annoyed with the nursing students watching me bathe a newborn.

I found myself thinking how mad I was. But at what? I’m still not even sure.

The Universe? My hospital? My patients? What?

So, I came home from work, took a shower, read and rocked my boy to sleep, crept in and snuggled my already asleep 7 year old.

I couldn’t get over how long and lanky his arms were as they peeked out of his comforter.

Then, I went to that place that all baby loss moms go…extreme gratitude for what I’ve been given, but extreme sadness that everyone doesn’t get a happy ending.

I was kissing the beautiful, healthy cheeks of my boys while others are grieving.

I fought a lump in my throat all evening.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Then, this morning I decided to take action.

We went to the gym.

I listened to my Crisis playlist.

I worked through my uncomfortable feelings of sadness, irritation, anger, and frustration.

I sat with them and just let them be.

I was mindful to not let them take over my heart.

I didn’t give them the power I know they wanted.

Instead, I played soccer with my boy.

We laughed and giggled and ran around until we were thirsty.

We chased and shouted, “good job!” when we made goals.

I lifted him high in the air when he ran at me full speed.

I smiled and felt good.

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And then I realized I was no longer emotionally wrecked.

I had dug deep and found contentment and joy in the moment.

Isn’t that what emotional pain teaches us anyway?

To be present in our moments.

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